


Not His Boyfriend

by gyldenstern



Category: Last Podcast on The Left (Podcast) RPF
Genre: 5 Times, Is Five Plus One no longer a tag?, M/M, POV Henry, Secret Relationship, bone app the teeth, hope i didn't imagine this trope existing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:13:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23625934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gyldenstern/pseuds/gyldenstern
Summary: 5 times Ben tells Henry that he's not dating Marcus, and 1 time he does.
Relationships: Ben Kissel/Marcus Parks
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	Not His Boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ficfucker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ficfucker/gifts).



> Gift for ficfucker! read his fics!! they're all incredible!! thanks for introducing me to dogtruth and all the lovely comments!! :D

* 

“Kissel, where’re you going?” asked Henry, grabbing the back of Ben’s jean jacket. “Studio’s still another 3 blocks, did the booze finally give you Alzheimer’s?” 

Ben turned around, shaking Henry off with his, ‘I am not allowed to hit you’ smile. 

“I gotta stop at the bodega, it’s only a block down, we’re fine.” Ben said.

“There’s a bodega right next to the studio! We CHOSE the storefront next to the bodega for this exact reason!” Henry screeched.

“I like this one better,” Ben said, shrugging. 

“It’s already 2pm,” Henry continued. “We’re supposed to start recording in five minutes!” 

“Well, you can go to the studio if you’re ‘worried’ about being ‘late,’ but it’ll only take me a second.” Ben said, ducking into the tiny corner store. 

Henry stopped short of the door, throwing his hands up in exaggerated defeat. 

“Oh my god, jesus christ,” he groaned, sending a text to Marcus. He got an eyeroll emoji in return. Ben came out with a plastic bag of candy and chips in his hands. 

“Okay, let’s GO you goon! Time! Is! Money!” Henry screeched, already walking briskly to the studio. Ben, with his long legs, easily kept up. 

Ben unlocked the studio door and held it open for Henry. Marcus was already sitting in his usual spot at the back, brows furrowed at his computer. 

"Marcus, you wouldn't believe this, Ben made us late!" Henry said, hanging up his jacket. "Isn't that something? Ben, our responsible, always punctual, hall monitor of the year Benjamin Kissel, insisted on stopping at a bodega THREE BLOCKS out of the way, even though we have a perfectly good bodega RIGHT NEXT DOOR— " 

"Holy shit, is this Irn Bru?" Marcus interrupted, pulling a neon orange bottle out of the plastic bag. 

"Yes it is," Ben said, smiling. "The bodega I got it from sells it under the counter. The guy says his daughter lives in Ireland and gets it shipped to him." 

"Aw, thanks!" Marcus said, grinning wide at Ben. "You didn't have to do that for me," 

"Oh, it's no problem," said Ben, sitting down. He grabbed a hostess snack out of the bag, then crumpled the bag up and put it in the trash. 

"Hey! Did you get me anything, or is Marcus just special?" Henry said. 

"Well Henry, you were gonna get a root beer, but instead you decided to be mean to me, so no, I didn't get you anything," Ben said, grabbing a Bud Light from the studio mini fridge. "Do you want a LaCroix? There's a coconut one left in the back," 

"What do I gotta do to get a root beer from ya, Kissel? Suck your dick?" Henry grumbled.

Marcus laughed, easy as ever. Ben scoffed. 

"No!" he said, voice pitched weird. 

"Cause I'll do it. I'll suck yo' dick for some of that sweet, sweet, A&W root beer, mmmoh yeah you know how I like it," Henry continued, noting that Marcus had started recording for the intro. He slipped into a stronger character voice. "I'll be yo' boyfriend for some soda, Benjamin. I know you got a soda boyfrien', the way he's got his sweet lips around that toxic orange sirrup— " 

"Marcus is not my boyfriend! Can't a man get another man an Irish soda— Henry!" Ben sputtered as Henry started fluffing himself in a bit just for the three of them. 

"Ooh, ooh yeah, I'm a big ol' slut for that sooooda— " Henry continued, Marcus was giggling, losing his mind in the back. 

"Alright everyone, welcome to the Last Podcast on the Left!" Ben charged ahead. Henry noted that Ben looked much redder than normal as they started into the episode in earnest. 

**

"Okay guys, in order to unlock the next video, I'm gonna need everyone to answer this slumber party question," Travis droned from offscreen. 

"Can we coup this mandate? Ben, as HR, can't you decide that these are invasive?" Henry asked, looking directly into the camera. This week was Travis's, and he had decided that in order to earn videos, the boys had to answer questions like, 'who is the dreamiest person in Lord of the Rings,' and 'if you could hang out with one Spice Girl, who would it be?' 

"No, as HR I think these are fun, and bring us closer together as a company," Ben said. Marcus laughed. 

"Alright, well, fuck. Fire one up Tit-taaays!" Henry called out. 

"Where was the weirdest place you ever kissed someone?" Travis asked. 

"Oh my fuckin' god," Henry groaned, hamming it up for the stream. "We're doing this shit?" 

"Now, are we talking like, where as in location, or where on someone's body?" Ben asked. 

"On top of the dumpster outside the studio," Marcus answered. 

Henry made a face like a puckered lemon. 

"Were you trying to buy meth? When was this?" he said. Ben started laughing, as did Travis. 

"No, this was like… two weeks ago? No meth involved," Marcus said, grinning like a maniac into the camera. 

"Henry? Ben?" Travis prompted. 

"I mean, probably outside the Long Island dump when I was like, 17? I don't fuckin' know, I like to kiss in houses," Henry said, sipping an A&W rootbeer. 

"Uh, honestly? I'm also gonna have to go with the dumpster behind the studio," said Ben. Henry whipped his head towards Ben. 

"What the fuck… Is this the new spot?" He said. 

"I guess," said Ben, shrugging. "It's romantic, you should try it." 

"Yeah, the raccoons will cheer for ya," Marcus piped in. 

"Now, I know we did this bit last week, but I'm gonna ask, just because I know— I know. The chat is already going wild, wanting to know, were you two making out with each other?" 

"No," said Marcus flatly, raising a hand deferentially. "Absolutely not." 

"You two. Grown men. Separately made out with different people, behind the dumpster of our workplace?" Henry asked. 

"Well, great minds think alike," Ben said. 

"You did not smooch each other?" Henry persisted. 

"Nope," said Marcus. 

"Your tongues did not touch on top of an unbelievably filthy New York City dumpster?" Henry asked. 

"No way, not a chance," Ben said, sipping on his Bud Light. Henry paused for dramatic effect. 

"You are not secret boyfriends, who kiss in grimy places in more ways than one?" Henry asked. 

"No! Henry— " Ben started. 

"--Alright, here's some live death for us all to watch," Travis cut him off, flipping the screen to the next video. 

***

"Hey! Sorry I'm late, I got caught up in something," Ben said, letting himself into Henry's apartment. 

"Who'd you get caught up in?" Henry asked from the couch, grinning. 

Ben stopped like he was offended. 

"I didn't say I got caught up in someone. Why would you think I got caught up in someone?" he said, turning pink. 

"Because I know you, ya goon," Henry said. "You're wearing the good Old Navy jeans and you've got your smug little 'I just got laid' grin on." 

Ben rolled his eyes and scoffed. Then scoffed again. He sat down next to Henry, grabbing a beer from his backpack, but didn't deny anything. 

"C'mon Ben-jah-minnnn," Henry razzed. "Did this one survive, or was she crushed to death?" 

"Henry, come on!" Ben said. "It's not nice to kiss and tell!" 

"Ooh, you must really like her, usually you won't shut the hell up about getting your dick wet!" Henry said, gleeful. Ben turned redder. 

"Do I know her?" 

"No! I wasn't with anyone, I'm just running late, and— and I was just having a good day! Can a man just have a good day on his own?" Ben said, frowning. He looked a little like a disgruntled muppet. 

"Alright, keep your secrets then," Henry said, sipping on his own beer. They settled in to watching a dumb movie, one with lots of gore and half-naked teenagers. Henry's phone pinged. 

"Are you with Ben? He said he was going over to your place. Left his phone here," he read outloud, eyebrows furrowing. "Text I just got from Marcus," 

Ben scrunched his lips in, exhaling through his nose. Henry stared at Ben, steeling his expression to be blank. 

"Why did you lie about being at Marcus's?" Henry asked. 

"I didn't lie," Ben said. 

"Yes you did, you said you weren't with anyone, which was clearly a lie, and now it's an extra lie, because you were with Marcus," Henry replied, sipping on his beer. It was just fun to watch Ben squirm. 

"Well, you made the assumption I was with someone, like with someone," said Ben. "I didn't want you to think— " 

"That you were porking Marcus?" Henry finished for him. 

"No!" Ben exclaimed. 

"That you were blowing Marcus?" 

"Henry— " 

"That Marcus was blowing you?" 

"Henry, I swear to god— " 

"Is Marcus your boyfriend?" Henry asked, sincerely. It had been a throwaway joke earlier, but normally Henry's jokes didn't make Ben this flustered. His face was bright red, redder than normal, and he was refusing to make any kind of eye contact. Ben took a deep breath in. 

"No Henry, Marcus is not my boyfriend," Ben said, voice cool. "Let's finish watching this movie, and then we can walk over to his place to grab my phone, and all of us can go to the bar. As friends and business partners." 

"Okay," said Henry, throwing his hands up. He allowed the topic to be dropped.

****

"Okay guys… I have good news and bad news," said Travis, walking over from the check-in counter. Henry, Marcus and Ben had been waiting in the lobby of the hotel for what felt like an eternity while Travis checked them all in. Henry grit his teeth, already tense from a delayed flight. 

"The good news is: we're getting a discount," Travis continued, "but the bad news is that there was a mistake in booking, so instead of 4 single bed rooms, we've got 3 single bed rooms and there's no vacancies." 

"Fuck!" yelled Henry. A woman with her children getting out of the elevator gave him a dirty look. 

"Henry!" Ben shushed him. 

"I can sleep in the van," Travis offered, looking extremely guilty. 

"You're not sleeping in the van," Marcus said. "You can take one of the rooms, go get your stuff dropped off so you can get to the venue early. C'mon, git." 

Travis handed Ben two of the room keys and sped off without a word. Henry groaned as he left. 

"Well this is a fun conundrum," he said. "Either I shack up with Marcus, who's gonna go to bed as soon as the show's over, or I room with Kissel and get crushed to death in the middle of the night with his drunk dead weight— " 

"Henry— " Marcus said, holding a hand up to stop him. Henry ignored it. 

"OR, we get a different hotel room at the Motel 6 down the street and I get fucking, I don't know, fucking Hepatitis Z— " 

"Henry," Ben said. 

" --and then we get an EXTRA late start tomorrow, like we're not driving eight goddamn hours," 

"HENRY," said Marcus, finally cutting him off. "Ben and I can share. It's not a big deal," 

"Oh," said Henry, momentarily stunned. He had figured that by nature of being the most petite of the trio, he would have had to share a bed. Marcus handed him a key card, and they got into the elevator. They rode up to the third floor in silence. 

"So," Henry said awkwardly. "You guys gonna ask for a cot or spoon the night away?" 

"You know, as much as I like cuddling, I don't actually care that much for spooning," said Ben innocently as the elevator opened. "I'm more of a 'lay on my chest and I'll bear hug ya' guy." 

"I can agree to that," Marcus laughed, eyes crinkling shut. 

"Ah couple of lovebirds," Henry said, sliding into a Robert-Pickton-adjacent imitation as he fiddled with his room key. "Ohhhhhhh, isn't it nice to see the two men slide all over each other, aren't they precious boyfriends,"

"We're not boyfriends," Ben called out from their room. 

"Well, whatever you are, you can meet me down at the lobby bar in about an hour for preshow— " Henry was cut off by their door slamming shut. He furrowed his brow, and stuck his head out into the hallway to confirm that they had indeed cut him off mid sentence. They had. He stood outside, dumbfounded. He hadn't been that much of an asshole, had he? Well. Not much of an asshole comparatively speaking. The yelling in the lobby had maybe been a bit much. But weren't they used to that by now? 

A distinct "whump" noise came from behind Ben and Marcus's door, followed by what was unmistakably a moan. 

Henry scurried back into his own room, suddenly content to hit the minibar in there and stand on the balcony with the door shut behind him. 

*****

"Cmon, cmon, cmon, pick up you sonofabitch," Henry muttered. He had called Marcus twice already, in succession.

"Hello?" came a groggy voice through the phone. 

"MARCUS, thank FUCK," Henry started yelling. "You're not gonna BELIEVE what I just saw, I'm walking home right now from the gah-damn bar and clear as fuckin' day, up in the sky, three TRIANGULAR LIGHTS— " 

"Henry, you called the wrong number," said Ben. "What fucking time is it?" 

"It's 3:30AM, it's the witching hour! Wait, what?" Henry pulled his cellphone from his ear, double checking the caller ID. 

"I didn't call the wrong number, I called Marcus, says right here," said Henry, burping off to the side. "Wait, why the fuck did you pick up Marcus's phone?" 

"Shit," Ben cursed on the other line. There were some scrambling noises, and Henry heard a door shut on the other line. 

"Ben, it's 3:30 in the morning, why the fuck do you have Marcus's phone?" Henry asked, switching one conspiracy hat for another. 

"I, uh. I slept over tonight. We were watching movies and I fell asleep on the couch," Ben stammered quietly. "He left his phone on the coffee table, I picked it up thinking it was mine," 

"Bullshit!" Henry replied, still riled up from his sighting. "Marcus would never— if Marcus was going into a coma, he would plug his phone in by his bed first!" 

"I don't know what to tell you— " Ben said, trying very hard to deflect. 

"Were you sleeping in Marcus's bed?" Henry asked. 

"No," Ben said. 

"You're a horrible fuckin' liar, you know that, right?" Henry said. "Can you just put Marcus on the phone, it's important!" 

"No Henry, I can't put you on the phone with Marcus, it's almost 4 in the morning and you just called me a liar," Ben hissed. "Besides, he's dead fucking asleep right now." 

"Benjamin. Put. Your. Boyfriend. On. The. Phone. Right. Now." Henry spat. 

"Henry Thomas. He's. Not. My. Boyfriend. Goodnight," Ben hissed back, and the phone clicked off. 

Henry kicked a street sign and swore. 

*

Ben and Marcus sat across from him, curiously silent as they ate their diner breakfasts. It had been three days since Henry's 3AM call. They had all been acting like nothing had happened, but something hung in the air between them. 

"Good hashbrowns," Ben commented. 

"Yeah," said Henry. "They put the onions in them, always nice when they do that." 

Marcus sipped on his coke and said nothing. Henry put his fork and knife down and sighed, looking at his friends. 

"So," he said, letting the question hang. Ben and Marcus looked at each other, then back at Henry. Ben was the first to speak. 

"So, as you may have guessed, uhm… Marcus and I have been seeing each other," he offered lamely. Henry opened his mouth, but was cut off by Marcus. 

"We didn't wanna bring it up to you cause we didn't know if it was gonna work out," he said. "And it wasn't really a serious thing until like, a couple weeks ago," 

" — And I just wanna add, this is not gonna change anything with the network or the show. Neither of us wants that," Ben interjected. "None of us want that," 

Henry sipped his coffee, setting it down gently. 

"So," He said. "I have been correct in my jests and japes for what has it been, a month and a half now? And now you see fit to tell me, as if I didn't already know," he said with mock arrogance, a glint in his eye. 

"Well, the phone thing was a blunder," Ben mumbled. Marcus laughed. 

"One of many blunders, my dear goon," Henry continued, now smiling. "For many a-week now, I have seen what you two have considered unseen." 

"Well, you see the thing about that is— " Marcus started. 

"Your lover's glances?"

"Well— " 

"The palpable sexual tension between you two?"

"Okay, Henry— " 

"The unbridled demon lust in Dogmeat's eyes as you tell yet another story of Long Fat Man history, Kissel?"

"Henry." 

"Oh-hoh, Detective Zebrowski is not so easily fooled, my good chaps." 

"We've been fucking for six months," Marcus flatly said. Henry stopped goofing around. 

"I'm sorry, what?" He said, stunned. Marcus burst out laughing, and Ben quickly caught the giggles. 

"Six months," Marcus laughed. "Happened on tour when we were in Baltimore and you stayed out way late." 

"You're fucking with me," Henry said, shocked. 

"Nope. Guess Detective Zebrowski really may not be the Sherlock Holmes he thinks he is," Ben said, smiling as he took a drink of his water. "You got me good that day I left my phone at Marcus's though, I'll give you that." 

"You waited... six months to tell me?" Henry said, voice pitching. 

"We didn't know how you were gonna react!" Marcus said, waving his hands defensively. 

"I don't give a shit where you two stick your fuckin' cocks," Henry screeched. "Just don't leave a man in the dark, I thought you guys were mad at me! Always fuckin' hanging out without me! Would have been nice to know that the price of entry was tongue hockey!" 

"Oh my god— " Ben said, rolling his eyes. 

"Six months! Like we don't run a business together! 

"Henry, people are staring— " 

"Let 'em stare! Oh, and we're gonna TALK about the dumpster thing— " 

"You almost caught us in the middle of that while you were taking the trash out, I can't believe you didn't— " Ben started in, incredulously. Marcus gave his leg a gentle squeeze under the table. 

"Just let him go, get it out of his system," he said, giving Ben a kind smile. Ben gave up trying to cut Henry off. He slung an arm around the back of the booth, and settled into Henry's mock rant, which was sure to be followed with intensely personal questions about their sex life, and finally a "hey good for you actually, I think you two will be good for each other." 

It felt right.


End file.
